Its Not Always Raining: The Further Adventures of TwoIfBySea

Still No Snow

2012-02-09T21:12:00.005Z

Oh well.

Today Is Cold and Damp.

2012-01-29T21:23:00.000Z

Wish we were instead...

Nearly forgot...

2012-01-25T23:41:00.002Z

It was Burns Night tonight, when we are meant to eat a dinner of Haggis, neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes) and think of Robert Burns poems to recite.

None of this happened.

But what is worse, the Hobbits came home from school saying they had no special assembly, no mention made and no poems (we always had to memorise at least one of them back in the dark ages when I went to school.)

I don't know why this year nothing much has been done or said. There you go. The man himself probably wouldn't have given a damn anyway.

Favourite Burns story:

Burns is out walking and passes a milk maid on her way to the farm, yoke across her shoulders. She is about to walk past when Burns stops her -

"Do you know who I am?" He asks, she does not, "I'm Robert Burns." He states.

Wearily she motions to her milk pails. "Shall I put these down now then?"

(If this needs explaining then I'll go no further than to say that as a renowned womaniser she wouldn't have know much of his poetry but she'd know of his reputation.)

There is a myth that we have to hunt Haggis and live in Shortbread Tins. Not true.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff and...

2012-01-25T20:39:00.001Z

To give you an idea of how old these trees were, spot the person standing behind the one nearest the loch.

Your Opinion Counts

2012-01-25T20:35:00.001Z

...but only if you agree with the general consensus. If you don't you may find yourself ridiculed, excluded and made to feel a bit grim.

Despite the fact that life at the moment is more than challenging enough I do like banging my head against a brick wall it would seem. By spouting my very own opinion online there is a danger that, by going against the current, you bring all sorts of trouble down on your head.

The pack can turn and it turns on you.

Not nice but then, if you were to agree just to be seen to be agreeing (and I have a feeling some do - in a 'look at me, look at me, I'm one of you too!' way) would that not be worse?

I know I'm not socially adept enough to skip away when I should. I blunder in, say my piece, take the consequences. I have my opinions, I have my prejudices, some are not correct, some are based on beliefs that are hard for others to understand but I await the debate to show me the other side. Once that debate gets to the point of mud slinging and hysteria the argument is lost and I pay no more attention to them.

Banging your head against a brick wall only gives you a sore head!

I never learn.

Gong Xi Fa Cai

2012-01-23T17:57:00.001Z

Who knew Rabbit would be such a little sh*t? Long live the Dragon (for the next year at least.)

I am not a Dragon, indeed in a more than coincidental throw of the dice I am a Pig. Yes, quite. This year, according to the rather natty little calendar I was given by our local Chinese takeaway, is going to be a good one for us Piggies and I can't say it isn't about bloody time. As it is positive I am going to ignore the origins of the calendar and believe in it wholeheartedly (for it doesn't have such a happy forecast for all the animals, but let's not concern ourselves with them.)

It is a pity that dragons are more legend than truth - although if they were real it would be more Reign of Fire than Dragonheart for sure. They are a powerful symbol worldwide. The Hobbits once had a lovely children's book with pop-up dragon pictures and stories, unfortunately a wicked witch stole it away (or rather a neighbour in our old town"borrowed" it and never bothered returning.)

See I initially wanted to use this as a light-hearted take on the dragon...

but then I came across this...

So Idris or Soupdragon, take your pick. I was raised by Oliver Postgate*, don't get me started on Bagpuss.

*Don't be ridiculous of course I wasn't actually, physically raised but nearly every fond tv memory of my tiny years has a Postgate character involved.

My Moment Of Zen

2012-01-19T19:01:00.002Z

Confidently I can say, this weekly art class is the only time of the week I can truly forget about everything. That alone is worth it.

I done a drawing...

I done another drawing...

And I don't care if anyone likes them or if they are any good because I am HAPPY. Do you hear that? HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

Eeyore is now waiting for something to go wrong. AND I STILL DON'T CARE!

So I'm doing this now...

2012-01-12T16:50:00.001Z

Only we won't be doing nudes (at least I don't think we will) and we have not taken up Victorian garb and I certainly am not ready for the paints yet.

In an endeavour to straighten out my frazzled existence and to try and find some calm in the current rough sea (I'm trying to be polite and not explode into a rant about the f**king social worker who is mucking about with mother.) This is my answer and, after my first dip into the world of art in a few years, I have chosen well.

Two hours, in the company of older, more well-heeled women than I might not sound fun but it was the quickest two hours of the week. As I focused on the little seed pods, trying to get the shading right, I lost the pain and worry that has been the black hound at my back this past disappeared completely.

Utter bliss.

*The Women's Life Class - Alice Barber Stephens, circa. 1879

Small & Far Away

2012-01-11T17:37:00.002Z

I have discovered that, when dealing with social workers on behalf of elderly parents, if you go against them even slightly they will bombard you and badger you until you cry.

Yes indeed.

I wish for brighter days and an easier option and possibly someone to allow me and my boys to live in peace for once.

I see what you did there...

2012-01-05T22:21:00.000Z

...and I remain unimpressed.

So Faldo's Christmas present was a new cushion to sleep on. Only Anakin cat has decided it is the perfect fit for him. Poor Faldo became confused and has spent the night avoiding the cushion despite the fact the cat went out on his nightly travels some time ago.

The power of the cat must never be underestimated.

Not from today but the picture illustrates this dilemma perfectly.

The culprit...

Bit windy out...

2012-01-03T17:48:00.001Z

There are many uncomfortable ways to awaken in the morning. That awful feeling you have forgotten something important. That tingly feeling caused by sleeping heavily on one part of your body, i.e. the dead arm, the cricked neck. That realisation you are not dreaming there is an extra long freight train passing on the railway track that is a mile or so away, the noise is real.

Pick the last one, that is what I heard in the wee dark hours of whatever o'clock it was.

At the beginning of December we had the grandly announced hurricane that caused a minimal amount of damage despite the general public being assured that it was very windy out indeed. As will be seen from the upcoming photographic evidence a rather wobbly couple of fencing panels fell over from our neighbour's garden.

Last night I heard but not a peep about any up and coming contender for the windiest day of the winter. Our poor elderly neighbours two-doors down have lost most of their roof and the slates are stabbed into our grass. They've also lost a portion of fencing which at some point flew across the gardens beheading the neighbours whirly-gig as it passed the already downed fencing panels, one of our washing line posts impaled the fencing allowing it to crash down and squish the other fence.

All in all at least it wasn't the bloody roof.

This used to be their playground...

Oh but there is more!

On other news. I have decided that there is no way that mother is coming home on Monday. If this results in us losing this house then so be it. I cannot cope with her, she is not able to come home still incontinent and unable to hold a cup of hot tea. I won't be here 24/7 to watch over her and it may sound cruel but I have a feeling that the social work department have timed this so I wouldn't be able to ask for help and once she is dumped at home that will be it.

I go to the Docs on Thursday, I need backup. If I'm too sick to work I'm too sick to care for her properly. Once I'm fit then ok, we can deal with it then but until that point there is no use my stressing out, being physically sick over it.

I spoke to someone once in this position. They confirmed that once social work have gotten them home then the carer is left pretty much to deal with it and to fight tooth and nail for any help or advice at all. As far as I can see this hasn't been done at all correctly, I wasn't involved in any of the arrangements which will impact on me and my children. I cannot cope with a fight with the social work department but they have been very sly about this so let battle commence.

Argh what a fricking mess it all is but I have to stay strong and make sure I deal with my illness first, what is it they say on airplanes - put your own oxygen mask on before attending to anyone else.

And with that...the end...

2011-12-30T23:43:00.000Z

Day 30: Last movie you watched

I had thought this list would stand out as not being run of the mill and mediocre but as it is it does seem as though the impression made is that I am a shallow film type of person. It depends on the mood, and whether or not I remembered the right film for the right reason.

Anyway, as the last day of the year that started so well but dipped then crashed in the latter part ticks ever closer the last movie I watched is going to be split in two as I recently watched a dvd with the Hobbits but also went to the increasingly bankruptingly expensive cinema. (It's a word if I say it is!)

So to the cinema for the latest piece of fluffy fun, because I really, really do need it.

Yes it was silly but one of our cats is suspiciously close in looks to Puss and I've had a crush on Antonio Banderas since seeing Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down at a very impressionable age! Plus the Hobbits have enjoyed all the Shrek films (but not to the point of wanting the dvds, hmmn...)

And our latest offering from Lovefilm (which is a hit and miss at the best of times and may be cut during the new year cull) was the brilliant Super 8. The Hobbits also saw E.T. for the first time this week and one of the first things Youngest said was "this is like Super 8." What can I say, if you are of a certain vintage, grew up on Speilberg films, always wanted to have adventures that seemed to only happen in America and like that little creature feature uncertainty of whether or not you should be scared then this is a definite.

(I also got Captain America and X Men: First Class which I also enjoyed but this I watched twice before sending them back!)

And with that, we're done. With the list and the year. Tomorrow I intend to stay indoors hiding from the last day to ensure nothing else is going to happen! The start of 2012 is not shaping up well at all so helmets and protective gear on...the monster is about to be unleashed.

10 Years

2011-12-29T16:36:00.000Z

It seems like such a long time but it feels as quick as the blink of an eye in reality.

My boys hit the double figures today, no more single digit birthdays for them. Neither are particularly impressed by this fact, indeed Eldest Hobbit asked about when he would hit triple digits and if it would one day be possible for people to live into four digit birthdays.

Our usual day out in lieu of a birthday party has been scuppered by illness (not just mine for once.) So tomorrow will do, still going to make them snowflake brownie cake and get them Domino pizza for dinner.

There has been so much that has happened but I have to say that I like very much how they are turning out. Neither follow the herd, maybe Eldest could do with more confidence but they have sensible heads (*always* ask questions about everything!) and fantastic imaginations. I have every hope that their future is going to be very good indeed.

Elephant Juice

2011-12-27T20:56:00.001Z

The Royal Institute Lecture always fascinates the Hobbits into loving science and this year, despite a boring sounding theme of "the brain" is no different. It might not have the ooh and ahh of space, the universe and all that lies within but wonderful stuff it is indeed!

Magic and science have never been so hand in hand as in the room that mucks around with your perspective.

(If you don't know what I'm on about, go on to the BBC website and look it up on iPlayer - learn something fantastic.)

((Elephant juice, when spoken, makes the same mouth shape as saying I love you. Go on, try it.)

Oh my oh my oh my ONE MORE TO GO!

2011-12-27T16:50:00.001Z

The finishing post is finally in sight - just in time to end the year!

Day 29: First movie you ever remember watching.

My dad took me to see Bambi when I was about two years old. Unfortunately I remember nothing of it but this is the first film I ever remember seeing, to the fact that we spent ages waiting in the cinema itself as the time was wrong or something. I got a box of Smarties, a box 'mind, not a tube - woohoo! I loved the feel and atmosphere of the place, it seemed giant, cavernous - the ABC cinema, Sauchiehall Street Glasgow I don't think is even there now which is a shame.

As mother didn't like going to the cinema my visits were either with my dad, neighbours or friends (when I was a teen our thing was Saturdays in Glasgow, an afternoon at the cinema and home in time for dinner! Living the life!)

I also remember getting the book of the film and being really annoyed the girl wasn't in it much - why didn't girls get to join in adventures like the boys did. (After being too young to see Star Wars I did get to see the darker Empire Strikes Back and Princess Leia became who I wanted to be, plus she got Han Solo but didn't need rescued as such or simper about the place in order to do so!)

The Water Babies is an okay film, an okay book and I wish I had a more impressive film as the second to last one! (Maybe I should learn to lie and make up that it was The Railway Children or something!)

I Just Don't Know How To Do It

2011-12-27T16:32:00.000Z

With a great sense of determination I desperately want to change things and not just as the New Year approaches, the time when good intentions lead to wishful thinking.

Today Evil X was back on the scene having suddenly remembered about his eldest two children as per the post before last he decided he wanted to see them before their birthday. I agree, as I do where they are concerned, as despite the fact that four and a half years of simmering has led to pure despising of everything he is there is some part of me that still feels my boys need to see him. If only to re-establish what he is like, it is important that they have their own thoughts on feelings about their absent parent.

I have a suspicion that Madam is pregnant again, only a year after sprouting out the last one - and he confirms she was, but suffered a miscarriage. I don't believe this as so many lies have passed his lips it is hard to tell what the truth is as I am sure not only would I not recognise it coming from him but it would be a foreign concept for him to try and not spin a fib of some sort.

Here is the problem. It has been four and a half years and I still stew in my own anger. I should be, as once I was, at the stage where I don't care. Fair enough they really do deserve some kind of comeuppance but why do I feel like that? In the past, pre-Evil X, I was of the opinion that if someone wanted to do me harm or someone wanted to be excessively cruel to me then begone with them.

Okay perhaps I was a little overzealous in some cases as I was exceptionally bad at keeping in touch, being of the idea that if I were important to them then "they'd" keep in touch. Nah, doesn't really work like that so oopsie!

But I managed to cut away a whole side of my family, my mother's side, the poisonous ones with their silly gossip and nasty attitude. I was able to do that with little or no conflict (this is making it sound like I blame others but I have little time for people who lie and that is the very core of it all.) Plus as I was never a big drinker (and don't partake at all now really - last time was a mojito on holiday in October which was yuck and before that a beer at the Christmas party last year which was also yuck) I did not fit in with the little clique they had going. Once the Aunt we were close to had died, followed a couple of years later by Gran then there was no reason to keep in touch. Especially when they accused my mother of theft...astonishingly horrific so goodbye and good riddance to that nest of vipers.

Crikey but I'm waffling on something chronic these days aren't I?

Anyway, I don't get why I am still angry at him. I have my boys and yes I would have liked another baby but not by him. What I wanted in my other half he didn't fulfil, not in any shape or form. I couldn't live with someone so neurotic and nit-picky and someone who had lied about...well...every last thing. I wasn't what he needed either, especially as I enjoyed family life and he didn't want to work.

So I'm rid of that, so why do I get like this? Apart from the obvious problems tied out last time I like it being me and the boys. Yes, to have someone to share my life with, to share our little thing with would be utterly lovely but we can exist without. And as I have nothing to give someone other than me (and I'm not pretty, rich, MILF material I have no selling points at all really) I have accepted that this is it.

How do I get back to the girl who banished people from her life once they'd crossed her? It was much healthier, much happier. I need it. I need to get back there and until I do, until I no longer think of him and her without grimacing, then I won't heal inside.

Surely there will be a book with an answer or do I whisper a wish on Hogmanay and hope for the best?

I'll slip this card under the door

2011-12-21T20:33:00.001Z

I can't leave it with a post like the last one. I'm not that pathetic, oh wait, look at the theme for this one, yes I am.

Day 28: Movie with your favorite hero

Ta da!

I'm reading about the definition of hero in literature just now and what exactly that encompasses and to be honest perhaps it is a personal thing. There are many adaptations that could then be used for this purpose. I could go modern with Lisbeth Salander or classic with Jane Eyre (or even Elizabeth Bennett?) Or using pop culture I could go controversial with Hit Girl or childhood hero with Princess Leia or cult with River Tam (although my favourite character was the mechanically minded Kaylee).

Instead I'm going to go back a bit, sorry another French film here (I've only ever spent a day in the country as well but I do like their films!)

I saw this when I was young enough to be impressionable. I like the protagonist's attitude and the fact that nearly every American action film has stolen the look of the film (there was the inevitable remake *sigh*). So as hero(ine)s come then she is most surely my favourite.

Embarrassing fact: I deliberately had my hair cut in this style hoping some of her uber-coolness would rub off. It didn't.

Note: internet *still* not working properly so I can't check this clip out though I would very much like to!

If you have elderly parents...

2011-12-21T20:11:00.000Z

...and think the best solution is to have them move in with you or to all live together then take my advice, unless your parent is of the kind who enjoys their independence and relishes life - don't.

(Here is the post where I come over all selfish and spoilt when in reality I'm not, I've just reached the end point where I have no more energy for this. For real. No energy, not one bit.)

So when Dad died I did everything, took over all the arrangements. Straight away mother began hinting heavily that moving in with us would mean she "wouldn't be lonely" even though we are many miles from any friends or family (although her family don't really speak to her which is a whole other saga.) I would phone only for the phone to ring out at all times of the day meaning I had to constantly contact neighbours and on one occasion the police to check she wasn't lying in a heap somewhere.

I got her house sold, cleared and things put in storage until we got something bigger than the 2-bed house we were then living in. Make no mistake, at this time I was thinking this was resolving many problems as I no longer had a 40 mile round-trip to deal with her increasing demands on me. I then bought a house, got us all moved and the mortgage, well I could probably have gone on a day trip to Mordor with less hassle.

All the time I'm working, trying to keep my boys in a safe, stable home despite the interruptions now and again from the father feeling guilty over ignoring his first sons. We moved into this house and although it isn't fabulous (the person who lived here before last was a DIYer, a DIYer of the Frank Spencer type it would seem.) I made my list of things to do and began to try and settle everyone in.

Mother became awkward, her catchphrase "can't be bothered" met with a desire to stay in bed all day and a lack of want to do anything at all. It became apparent that she was not ideal in her role as babysitter while I was at work (which had sold the idea to me.) I cut back my hours which mean I began to be undermined at work and credit taken by others for things I had happily done.

Cut to summer, the tiredness I'd been feeling was at the stage where I felt as though the plug had been pulled from me. Strange to describe it really, it isn't like a proper tiredness, or even the fatigue you get after not getting a proper sleep in a while. It just feels...flat. No longer in working condition, brain like wool, limbs unable to do even stupidly simple things. It is according to the Doc what happens when your body decides you are not an "infinite resource". My cortisol and thyroid levels are "imbalance". There is no cure other than time. Jeez, time is not on my side.

One month later and while out in the garden mother has a turn, not waking up when I try to revive her. Ambulance => hospital => now.

Today she was transferred to a local hospice. She is ready to come home they say after filling the house with things to make her life easier but ours a little harder (the thing in the bath...really? The rest of us will have fun jumping over that.) I say, it is a week before Christmas, the chaos is about to erupt. My sons turn 10 the week after, we will not be here for her whether there is a care package in place or not.

Not once was discharge discussed with us. I had made my point several times that I was ill and wouldn't be able to cope during the holidays with everything going on. If I pace it right I can make it through (although I am still suffering from Sunday as is the case when I over exert myself by doing things I once took for bloody granted.)

So I guess I'm the stick in the mud. The awkward one not letting her home when they say so, the awkward one for having asked several times to have at least a week to prepare. The social worker is constantly harassing me for a date when she can come home. I am able to organise only a few things at a time and can't see why they couldn't wait until the end of the holidays in January when I'll be able to devote time to getting her settled back home. Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and be able to have her place in a care home without us then having to lose the house (I had it put entirely in her name as I didn't want anyone thinking I was conning the money from Dad's house out of her - stupid, stupid, stupid! That was my inheritance too!)

This is a pity party for one. A few days until Christmas. Guilty father has sent a whole bunch of stuff for his sons, still doesn't pay maintenance right enough and still owes from the debts he skipped out on which I had to pay back but hey-ho. Youngest is about to burst from excitement, eldest is more reserved and will be until faced with the pressies. They've already decided on where they want to go on their birthday and I'm already preparing so I can last the day.

So far 40 seems as bad as 39 does. I used to be an optimist. I don't know how to get back there but for my sons' sake I must. This is my life and I have to deal with it but how lovely it would be to have help and a winning lottery ticket. I win Bad Daughter Award along with Crap Mum, Disposable Wife and all those other ones I've collected on the way.

(I also am about to be "illness terminated" from my job as they are inflexible in changing my shift to one I can actually do once I am better. I hate this, I don't look ill - well on really bad days I do, people actually stare I look like Palpatine after his battle with Mace Windu, the rest of the time make up helps. I have a plan over what I need to do to try and work from home, working freelance, but until I can get my head to think in a straight line then that is not happening. I did dream a solution to a problem in one of my stories last night though so that's good. Every cloud...)

Here, look at this instead....

Goodbye Thirties... Hello Forties

2011-12-18T21:44:00.001Z

I have now entered the age of being an area in the North Sea. Wouldn't that be something? I would look forward to then reaching my Viking and Cromarty ages, actually that would be better than reality. I live in a society where women over forty are...over.

So today (or rather officially in one hour thirty five minutes - I'm writing this at 21:05) I pass the fortieth year marker of being on this planet.

Whoop-doop-de-do.

I have not finished yet. I have not done as many things as I wished and I most certainly am not living the life I thought I would have had at this stage. I still have much to accomplish. Also there is a bigger celebration to be had with my boys reaching double figures in eleven days.

Don't mistake me, to have spent the evening surrounded by a loved one, friends and good company would have been wonderful but life hasn't worked out that way. Instead it is, as always, just me, my boys and the dog - cats don't celebrate birthdays, or at least human ones. I have to be content with this and the path I've ended up on as sometimes it happens and there isn't much you can do but walk onwards.

This is panic weekend when people suddenly realise that Christmas is next week and they haven't bought a thing. Haha. Spending the day in Edinburgh, the Winter Wonderland, I took my first step in changing things by going on the ferris wheel.

It's 35m high, the little seating circles aren't strapped in, they wobble, especially when you are stuck at the top floating in the breeze. The views were amazing and, by holding on tight, closing eyes at the particularly worrying bits and saying "I am safe" as many times as need be to become a mantra, it is doable for anyone with not so much a fear of heights as a respect for safety.

I don't have photos as, typically, the camera battery was dead as dead can be. So I've recycled one from a few years back, same wheel, same height but in the daytime you can see forever. Well, at least to the Forth on both sides!

Like this ^ but daytime! Plus everything on the lower part is rearranged and the big bungee thing was down there....oh you get the idea! Look at the ferris wheel, I am ridiculously proud of myself!

On the way home we decided on Chinese food for din-dins and on the calendar they gave me it said for us Piggies (Year of the Pig - read the description, I'm happy to be a pig!) that next year will be a good one. Result!

Day 27: Movie with your favourite villain

Ah jeez, there are so many as villains always get the best lines. Usually they have more to them than the weedy hero. There are so many children's films that could get this (anyone else have nightmares about the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?)

But this guy, well, he's a flippin' Nazi. You can't get worse than that. Oh but you can because, you see, he relishes his job and sees it as being a job - despite the results he gets. The actor practically eats the screen time so each time you see him you are not sure what he will do next and neither does anyone else.

As a villain he is the perfect epitome of bad, and doesn't even realise it.

First time I've heard of an Oscar going to someone and thinking "yup, well deserved." Bingo! Now go watch the film and see if you can watch the first ten minutes or so without getting a little sense of panic over what is about to happen.

Hans Landa - Inglourious Basterds

Col. Hans Landa: Now if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. If a rat were to walk in here right now as I'm talking, would you treat it to a saucer of your delicious milk?
Perrier LaPadite: Probably not.
Col. Hans Landa: I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere *he* would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer's brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.

Enough Already With The Technology!

2011-12-11T22:48:00.001Z

For this past year access to the internet in the Two If By Sea household has been, at best, fleeting. The 30 Day movies thing has taken around four months to complete due to the dongle sucking up any and all download in a greedy, money-hungry manner.

So now I have to wait...again...to see what is causing the issue.

You know, I don't live in a big, posh fancy house but there are plenty of people in this old town who do and I would have thought that all those lovely, lush customers would hold some sway in getting the exchange updated and the internet brought up to - oh at least 2007 standards.

Here I am, one week left of my thirties, *not* looking forward to the forties *at all* and I'd be as well returning to the typewriter and sending messages by carrier pigeon.

Since we moved we've had communication problems initially caused by the previous owner being a bit of a mare (thanks for telling us that the woman living next to us is an absolute nut - could really make it all legal but haven't the energy.) The internet has never worked correctly and to be honest the person who did the wiring in the house was obviously a DIYer with absolutely no talent. No kidding if I see one more half-hearted attempt at doing anything I'll scream - i.e. not one skirting board is finished properly, the workmanship is shoddy to say the least. It does feel like I bought a big old lemon but now we're stuck with it for the moment and as many people are being made homeless for a while I am thankful for that.

Wish I was the optimistic, naive, altruistic kiddo I used to be before a rotten marriage and life wore me down to this grumpy version! She's still there somewhere, perhaps life will begin again at 40? See, a little glimmer...

I can't check the following video properly without spending more than I'd wish to on access (times being hard in the old bank balance as always.)

Day 26 - Movie you're most embarrassed to say you like

Well now, I have a front like Blackpool after parenting for nearly 10 years now. You try and keep your dignified air when your child is going for the brat of the month award in the supermarket (no, they don't grow out of it.)

As has been seen by the previous entries I love a whole mix of movies from the frothy to the deeply moving. This movie I'd say I'm embarrassed to admitting to watching as most of it is utter, unbelievable cack.

There are stories within though that are truly heart-rending. These stories do not involve Hugh Grant or Keira Knightley.

Watch this film and see Emma Thomson wrench the heart of any woman watching as she realises the gorgeous present her husband has bought was not intended for her. Grimace at the loneliness of Laura Linney as she struggles to have a life beyond her family commitments.

The other stories range from "meh" (Colin Firth) to "oh for crap sake!" (Hugh). I could really have done with concentrating on Emma and Laura's character stories and the rest...

If embarrassment is fast forwarding through most of a film then I give you...Love Actually....

It's Oh So Quiet...

2011-11-07T20:07:00.000Z

And also Day ~~4879~~ 25 on the Movie Challenge thing which I am determined to finish in the same way one might chew relentlessly on a tough steak because be damned if it is going to get the better of me.

Anyway...

My Hobbits are away this week, gone to camp in Northumberland with their classmates. So there will be lots of this...

And maybe some of this...

But without the sunshine, happy feeling.

Day 25: Movie with the most beautiful scenery - when I was little, an only child (or lonely goatherd if you will) I adored this film, in particular the first couple of minutes when the cameras sweep across the Alps. I've been to Salzburg, I've driven around and about the Alps. I loved every minute of it and long to do it again...all because of this film.

When you think about it The Alps and Salzburg deserve a credit in the cast list.

Plus, as mentioned earlier, the only child desperately longed to be part of a huge, loving family. Wins in all directions.

Home is not something I longed for

2011-10-26T15:45:00.001+01:00

This time last week I was sweltering in the afternoon sun, lying lazy as a cat on a sunbed while the Hobbits played in the splash park with their little friends.

Perhaps this is what has ailed me. Sitting in the sun, reading copious amounts, no mental stress other than what time shall we show up for the dinner I have not cooked (and eat from plates I will not need to wash.) Although I have no real desire to move to Portugal my goodness I ached for some sunshine. Some strong sunshine to bleach my tired old bones.

For all we are not meant to sit in the sun, I smother our bodies in factor Scottish (i.e. 30) to negate some of the nastiness, my god but I could feel the warmth throughout. Clarity of thought has evaded me for months yet I was sharper, quicker witted, than I have been in the longest time. I wrote, I read, I relaxed and it was good.

I come home and zoop we are back to square one.

Sigh.

Anywhogivesashitway

Day 24: Movie with your favourite soundtrack

Sneaked it in there with no one looking.

This one is easy. I saw the film, one of the best adaptations which seems so well suited to the original material in how the story has been opened, next day I bought the soundtrack and I listen to it still. I am quite sure there are many who will turn their nose up at the film, too pop culture for them, too ready and tangible to people. To hell with them.

Of all the songs I love this one the most, my heart sings along with it. A very plaintive sound.

30 Days Challenge & 7 Days Away

2011-10-11T21:32:00.002+01:00

Day 23: Movie that inspires you

Won't hide the fact that the thought that in two days I will be on holiday far away (or not really far away, still in Europe, but the edge of Europe, not like the middle or anything...and close the mouth.) So...my head has been racing full of all the things that can go wrong between now and then. Once we get there I won't give a sh*t but the getting there.

I still have this fatigue. Still dragging along but doc seems to think this holiday will be just the tonic. I have to come home though so how that will work I don't know.

Anyway, the getting there. If I think of all the things that can go wrong I won't be crushed if it does happen as I'll be sort of expecting it.

That sounds quite Eeyore-ish of me to be honest but for years I haven't thought any other way. Maybe it is my little protection unit. Look what could've happened but didn't. If that doesn't prove how screwed up my line of thinking is these days then I don't know. But...but, when I come back I'm going to take a deep breath and really go for what I want work wise.

There is no point in me sticking in a job that is nearly going to kill me. Another colleague is off with same thing as me, another one has continuous headaches. Doctors have said to a few of us that where we work is renowned for this. Oh great.

Wait...what was I on about. Oh yes, and this will seamlessly tie in with what I just said.

I chose a series of films, really the material it is based on is what truly inspired me but the films show the possibility of what a keen imagination can evolve in to.

Single parent, takes an idea, writes with a passion, inspires thousands.

30 Days....yeah, yeah, keep on at it

2011-10-10T21:05:00.001+01:00

Day 22: Movie you wish you could live in

Lately there has been a distinctly dystopian flavour to the news. The wheels of change seem to be ever grinding and everything has such a dark tinge to it, I've never felt as though the worst elements of society were winning as much as they are now. Greed is good is a way of life to the expense of all others it would seem.

So with that in mind. If we are about to move into another mini-ice age, and if the last lot of Elizabethans survived it then we can too. (Let's make a note to never allow another Elizabeth on the throne.) If we are about to see the whole financial balance collapse with the rich skipping off merrily into the sunset while the rest of us clear up the mess. If everything we have relied on is to be turned on its head. Then I chose to be a browncoat...

Shiny it might not be for a future. The Reapers are no more scary than the people who have been allowed to run riot, quite literally. I could chose a fluffy bunny film where everyone has a happy ending but we all know that doesn't last. And my other choice was a polar opposite - cause I always longed to be a Von Trapp - look what happened to them! If there was a decent film version (similar to the German 70s series I loved) then I would go for Heidi - but there isn't and my fantasy life of Swiss mountains will be replaced by a more realistic Firefly class spaceship.

I am totally failing to attract positivity from the universe with my current frame of mind aren't I? Well, failure I can do.

::Insert Beatles Song Title with word "Love" in it here::

2011-10-10T20:42:00.001+01:00

The dress, I likey, otherwise I'd have no comment at all on this, nice as it is for them.

Movie Challenge - nearly there!

2011-10-03T21:21:00.000+01:00

Day 21: Movie with your favourite actor

James Stewart reminds me of my Dad. Recently I have been missing my dad more and more. With all that has recently gone on with mother and the way she is now I have been thinking over the past. There is so much I wish I could talk to him about things, there are things I should have said and done and I feel constant regrets that this won't happen.

There is a tendency to romanticise the past and people gone. Rather I am not focussing on the times where we didn't get on but the truth that was evident at his funeral when not one person had anything but happy, good, worthy anecdotes about him. So I can honestly say that my dad was one of the old-style gentlemen, like James Stewart himself (plus he was one of my Dad's favourites especially considering his WWII record).

He was 50 when I was born. An age most men are becoming grandfathers rather than first time fathers. So there was a huge generation gap between us. Now I can look back and say the boys miss their Grandpa and I miss my Dad.

When I watch James Stewart I can feel comforted. Odd as it sounds.

On the other hand...

2011-10-03T21:01:00.002+01:00

All these discussions recently about mad people living in sheds (albeit rather posh sheds with bedrooms and things) I have scoffed at the concept. Until I saw this...

So when the financiers* turn this world belly up so they can scavenge over the innards like the vultures they are - we'll be living in one of these. Bloody nice it looks too. (I will insist on inside plumbing, I'm not that bohemian.)

*Read this article I can't link to. Regarding a hedge fund manager who seemed so happy to make money on the misery of countries going bust. The fact that these people have huge amounts riding on the failure of countries and the fates of millions of people, and that they may have influence to push them over the edge for a few pennies more, doesn't seem fathomable. That it is allowed to happen is astounding and surely something that needs to be curtailed, immediately. The article actually made me feel physically sick.

I just do not and will not understand these people who live lives based on money and making money by betting money they don't have on things they don't own. This particular parasite had bought millions of dollars worth of nickels and was such a happy bunny about getting one up on his fellow Americans. Wonderful expression of humanity he was. Wonderful.

Movie Challenge getting tricky now.

2011-10-01T18:23:00.000+01:00

Day 20: Movie with your favourite actress

Oh gad do I even have a favourite? I know I am beginning to think I should keep notes to remind myself of things I actually like because I am positive that in a short amount of time I will suddenly go "oh and I *really* like her as well." But I am hopeless when put on the spot.

Of course the smart people will have already scanned down the list of what this challenge consisted of and prepared. Smart people will also have done this in 30 days and not the epic amount of time I've taken to do it.

What can I say, at best I live in a constant state of chaos. It is what it is.

So, what was the point of this...oh yes, favourite actress. Well, I suppose there are a few. I'm not so much a person who will see a film just because of who is in it, not really. A lot of the actresses I do like are of the older generation, I don't know why (and you'll see in the next instalment my favourite actor is also mainly in black and white but for good reason.)

This is definitely one of those films which should be savoured rather than just watched. I've always liked the actress because she seemed such an assertive bitch! Call it admiration...

Don't older films look so much more appealing? I love this film and Bette Davis is utter brilliance. Strangely one of her later, more popular films I wasn't desperate to see over and over again but All About Eve, All This, and Heaven Too, Dark Victory, Now, Voyager, Jezebel...you could seriously have them on a loop and happily watch them over and over again.

30 Days, would it make you happier to know we're on the final stretch?

2011-09-26T18:31:00.000+01:00

Day 19: Film that made you cry the hardest

Oh for goodness sake I won't watch this film unless I'm in need of a damn good weep. It is about a dog, only not just any old dog but one who is a reincarnation of a man. What can I say, you can keep your Hatchi...I can't even watch the trailer without welling up here.

I'm not going to go in to the story too much, not just because the very thought of the film has turned me into slush. I hope to god they don't remake it - this film makes the end of Marley and Me seem mild.

Fluke

It's a man, who dies, and becomes a dog, and remembers his life, and there is something else about his death as a human, and his life as a dog isn't all walkies, and it is at least a 10 hankie film. At least.

Forever.

*sniff sniff*

That 30 Day Movie Thing - Day 18

2011-09-23T22:42:00.001+01:00

Day 18: Film that is your guilty pleasure

Pleasure should never be guilt ridden, absolutely not. And most of my films give pleasure otherwise they wouldn't be on this list. (Except for the "Least" ones of course, I didn't really need to explain that did I?)

Anyway, I'm going to chose this one for the simplest of reasons -

Perhaps it is my wicked sense of humour that means I snigger at the strangest and most inopportune things. I know, we shouldn't make fun of people, we shouldn't gain so much pleasure from a film that has very dark undertones.

I've been to Bruges, it made me feel like Ray does.

So I get pleasure from the fantastically well written script, seeing Colin Farrell and Mad-Eye Moody enjoy their roles to the point where they make their characters not only believable but (here is the guilty bit) sympathetic. I also feel guilt as I hate the way gangsters and criminals are glamorised in cinema but I really do like Ray and Ken.

It's a bloody good movie. Let's just leave it as that!

It's been an utter poo of a day so...

2011-09-22T22:28:00.001+01:00

Movie challenge!!! Really, desperately needed to divert attention from current car crash going on in life - yes *another* one, what can I say I obviously attract disaster.

Day 17: Least favourite book adaptation

Hmmn, now let me see. Ah yes, that would be this turgid pile of cinematic crapola...

Now I was considering an adaptation where not only had I disliked the film but also the book on which it was based but that seemed to defeat the whole purpose. A least favourite book adaptation should really be a disappointment of sorts. Where they (the they being the film people naturally) have taken a much loved source and quite literally stuffed it up.

So I was thinking, what film did I desperately want to see and then wish I'd saved the money I spent on the cinema ticket.

It has to be the latest adaptation of Little Women. I don't know what it was, perhaps the spectacularly miscast Whine-ona Ryder as Jo. Something was just completely wrong.

I had read all these books as a girl. These were familiar characters. I adored the 1940s interpretation even if it was a little twee - it seemed to have the right old-fashion atmosphere, that cosy family feeling. It was a film to cheer the soul.

The new one did have a lot of the right components from the book, it was just bad.

(Had I to chose a least favourite adaptation from a book that was also dire then it would be Eat, Pray, Love - dear God but that woman was a selfish mare, get over yourself! The whole world doesn't revolve around you! Anyway, the film had Javier Bardem so not a complete loss - yes I did watch the film despite giving up on the book after the poor-mes got too much!)

30 Days Movie Challenge - you know the drill

2011-09-21T20:32:00.001+01:00

Day 16: Favourite book adaptation

I was thinking along the lines of the more literary To Kill A Mockingbird as Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch is amazing and inspiring in great big actorly dollops. The first time I saw the film I was completely mesmerised and horrified that such ignorance and cruelty existed - I was in high school at the time and burned at the injustice I saw. This was one of the Saturday afternoon with my dad films.

If it was raining, or no one was around to hang out with, my dad would make soup and we would sit and watch whatever film was on tv (mother being at work on the weekends). My dad liked WWII films having served in the RAF during those days. I saw lots of classics, formed a lot of my tastes and was led to reading books I wouldn't have otherwise found. Mockingbird being one.

But I'm not choosing it, and that is not because I just bored the bejesus out of anyone who bothers reading this other than me. Huge explanation and now I'm away picking another.

This is going to be a bit of fluff but it merits the title of favourite book adaptation because it has made me sit through an entire film starring an actress I really can't be bothered with. Of course the material is well known and this is not the first, and probably not the best, adaptation (no wet shirts here) but the soundtrack, the atmosphere and the actor who plays the main character with such arrogance yet with vulnerability means that if I'm at a loss what to do of an evening I stick the dvd on and snuggle on the couch.

I cried at this, cried for goodness sake. I really don't like the actress as well! That has to be good enough reason!

Make it difficult why don't you

2011-09-17T22:08:00.001+01:00

In a freakishly misguided attempt to divert my life from the current chaotic path I decided to invest in a little self-help despite my initial dubious and possible sarcastic view of the whole concept.

So, first out, think positive thoughts. Um, ok I've spent most of my life as the eternal optimist only to get kicked in the teeth every time, that is why I am so pessimistic now. There are only so many kicks you can get before you take the hint.

You reap what you sow. I do believe in that. Like the little fairies chant in the previous post. (Actually, maybe I should do that as a little life affirmation every day - oh god they did stop the Oprah show didn't they and here I am spouting drivel!) Anyway, positive is supposed to attract positive. Ok, again I've tried that my whole life with little success.

Next, gratitude. Not only that but list one hundred things, every day.

One hundred.

Can I repeat some of them? Maybe break them down into subsections?

One hundred.

How easy would that be for other people? Is it just me who finds that a little ambitious a number? I just got stuck on the third page - well done.

This is going to be very hard but as I said, gullible is me and I am making the idea of life beginning at 40 a true wish. I only have three months tops of this life before then. Here is hoping that this crap works.

Ooops, positive, yeah, positive. Got to attract that positive. Can't use the exhaustion as an excuse for this I don't think.

30 Days Challenge - Day 15

2011-09-17T21:58:00.002+01:00

Favourite play adaptation* -

Or panto for that matter...

This has to be the best version of the story I've ever seen. Kudos for keeping Tinkerbelle as the jealous, vicious little beast she is rather than the Disney-fied cutsie, mall rat version she is now! I much prefer her character with some wicked bite.

Plus it has Jackson Brodie/Lucius Malfoy/Mark Brydon in possibly the most interesting portrayal of Mr Darling/Captain Hook ever. Well, it kept my interest for sure.

I do, I do, I do believe in fairies, I do, I do, I do believe in fairies.....

Did you know that Peter started his life in play rather than novel form? One hundred and eight years ago to be precise. The novel followed one hundred years ago exact and there I've not only entertained but paid tribute to its centenary. I'm good like that.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 14

2011-09-15T00:59:00.002+01:00

Favourite documentary -

Ooh this should be difficult as documentaries don't often spring to mind really quickly. Apart from the Mcdonalds one. Which was entertaining enough, even if it left a sickly taste from the subject matter itself.

My documentaries usually are BBC fare and only an hour long. Something tucked in an evening schedule. Documentary series, now that is easier, The World at War springs to mind immediately.

So I'm going to cheat a little and swap around one of my previous choices...not that anyone will notice so...

etre et avoir

A very simply done documentary set in a small, rural French school. It highlights a different side of France from the romantic expat wishlist that is shown constantly here. Quiet and thoughtful the teacher and his little class are nevertheless entertaining in their daily life and the highs and lows of school.

30 Day Movie Challenge - I'm keeping at this you know

2011-09-13T13:25:00.001+01:00

Now we're on Day 13 (it's only taken a few months, I'm doing well) which is...

Favourite Chick Flick

This is not something I would naturally admit to watching but I do, and have a tendency to have a good weep or chortle along like a good audience should. The line between chick flick and love story must be a fine one but I'm thinking that chick flick should have some form of female friendship at the heart of it.

There is an obvious choice blaring like a klaxon - which is ironic considering that is the noise made by the main protagonists as they honk their way from one "adventure" in the Big City to another. Oh you see, I gave a clue.

I've seen both those films, I do not know why as neither offered more than the comforting knowledge that (apart from the nice houses) I am glad my life did not take that completely soulless road.

So, my choice is about grown-up friendships and, oh look, there's a boy in it too and for added bonus - books!

Is it me?

2011-09-13T13:13:00.001+01:00

Or does this photograph feel like we're being made to look up the skirts of the Eiffel Tower?

Almost obscene really! Poor...um...monument.

Let this be the strangest thing you hear today.

It's raining, and a bit windy...

2011-09-12T21:02:00.002+01:00

BBC NEWS NI- Hurricane Katia winds reach NI

BBC NEWS WALES- Travel hit as 81mph winds strike

BBC NEWS SCOTLAND- Autumn arrives

'Cause we're hard like that...

Best Thing You'll See Today

2011-09-12T20:56:00.002+01:00

Jenga Dog!

I look to our four-legged, furry friend and wonder. He can do one treat on his nose, this may be a temptation too far.

Ten Years Seems Like Yesterday

2011-09-11T23:03:00.001+01:00

It is the subject on everyone's mind simply because the day those planes struck the Twin Towers and the aftermath has been branded into the psyche of anyone who witnessed it.

The idea that in one heartbeat someone could commit mass murder, of people just doing their boring every day things, was almost incomprehensible. But we had to comprehend.

They did it in the name of religion, the favourite beating stick of crimes against humanity. How many millions have died in the futile reasoning that it was willed by some vengeful, bloodthirsty God? I no more believe in their religious martyrdom than I do in the Easter Bunny. It was mass murder, of the most horrific sense. Regardless of how much you hate a country, or its people, to do such a thing...

I couldn't fathom it then and I cannot fathom it now. My skin itches when I hear of people making excuses for why it happened. People hated America because of this, they had reason to do it because of that. Feeble. Anyone who spouts hate must be prepared to face the consequences of their venomous bile and whereas some like to placate and try to see where the sticking plaster will go I find no solace in pretending that to even consider such crimes is nothing short of evil.

The people who perpetrated this were evil, as were the ones guilty in Madrid and then London. They can make their windbag videos yammering on about how we in the West, who have given them a place to live, an education, a welcome in to our (much ignored and sidelined) culture, how we are the worst things to exist on this planet. They can do this knowing that we have some semblance of freedom, that I do not need a male relative or a head to toe (plus eye) covering to go outside. Yes, it is tied to one specific religion and that is a taboo subject to even cross but at some point we have to realise there are those who seek to oppress and we stand back and applaud to scared to point out the inadequacies.

Ach, I'm now warbling on. It is not a popular view point and it is probably clear I do not find comfort in my own religion (lordie knows in past times I'd have burned as a witch for being a gobby mare.)

Ten years ago, I was lying on the couch in my living room. On a day off, visit to midwife duly done and lunch just finished. My mother called, an accident, she said, like what had happened to the Empire State Building during the war. It was no accident and as events played out live yet unbelievable I began to wonder if there would be a world for my two babies to be born into. Suddenly their January birth seemed too far away, what would have happened in between - it seemed world war three was about to commence.

Ten years ago it didn't look as though we would have a future. I can't say that the coming years fill me with optimism other than to say that we're still here, sort of.

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

2011-09-07T14:33:00.001+01:00

Favourite love story...

Sometimes true love means having the courage and patience to believe in your heart that what you search for is out there...

cough cough cough cough

2011-09-05T13:44:00.000+01:00

It is funny peculiar being ill without a named reason why. Much easier is it to say "this is what is wrong with me and this is how I sort it out." Certainly I know Work would be happier if I could name it and shame it.

I can't though. And while it is frustrating for me not being able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me and how to get better (Doc is quite good in that he has given me lots of info on why this has happened and what is going on in my worn out body) it doesn't help that I have the very demanding expectations of Work hanging over my head.

Understandably, they are not in the business of supporting burdensome people such as myself. I feel ridiculously feeble saying that never in my life have I ever had this, it isn't old thyroid boy kicking off again although readings show that is borderline! I've never had a sick note, I've never been off with anything more serious than the flu (once when I was 16 and again in February when I had the swine flu which is, according to Doc, partly to blame for what is going on.)

I know plenty of people who have skivved off on dubious afflictions and more often than not ended up doing their work for them knowing full well there was damn all wrong. Luckily colleagues noticed how run down I had been, how tired and exhausted looking I was - too polite to say until I was signed off and then it was "well you know I was wondering how long she'd last like that. Plus the nature of the beast means no one is left doing anything more than they have to.

Doc likes to repeat that I am not an infinite resource. I have been for so long though, I've needed to be. In fact I've realised how like my Dad I am - we want to be doing things, we want to be productive, forward thinking, busy.

I don't know how to slow down and stop for a while.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 11 (Oh you thought I'd forgotten didn't you!)

2011-09-04T23:39:00.004+01:00

Part of the internet blackout meant I couldn't go searching through videos at leisure (do you know how much dongles cost!) but now I can reinstate the challenge that isn't so much a challenge as a flick through a favourite photograph album.

Favourite Kid's Movie -

Because deep down all we want is to love and be loved in return...and to occasionally touch the stars.

And sometimes all we want to do is dance...

We need to be taught this by a little robot? Yes, we do.

Wall-E

It's Me Again...Again

2011-09-04T23:21:00.001+01:00

This is what Autumn feels like. It should be brown and drab, cold and damp but there is the smell of burning leaves in the air, that sharp tang made fresher by the chilled temperature. There is the promise of festivities to come, happy thoughts wrapped warmly in scarves.

The past year has felt like a lifetime of troubles rolled in to a demanding endurance test. I wonder if I have passed?

It looks like my internet issues have been fixed (please do not let this curse the damn thing to stop working again.) What this means is that I can spend more time on the general jiggery-pokery of wasting valuable time on here.

Did I mention that I haven't been at work since the end of June? That I find out tomorrow if the latest round of blood tests confirm whether or not I am metamorphosing into a dormouse. Build me a teapot big enough to sleep in all day.

Did I mention that my mother, on finding out she had worn me down to the point of uselessness managed to get herself all sicked up and in hospital? I would say the break has been refreshing however the current state of constant drowsiness has kind of ruined that for me. Oh well.

That has been summer, see you later and glad you are gone. Once again my life is on fast forward - it really isn't much fun any more - not that it was fun in the first place.

The blog is back, the b*tch is back and I'm going to keep boring the pants of the people of the internet until this crap stops. And maybe after that too.

AUTUMN LEAVES by John Everett Millais

One Giant Step Back For Mankind

2011-07-09T20:26:00.000+01:00

On Friday the final flight of the Space Shuttle program took place. For some reason this feels like a huge step backwards, as though we are now giving up on reaching out and exploring the possibilities.

Perhaps this is America's way of conceding all future scientific adventures to the BRIC countries. We should, and this sounds hard hearted but so what, also allow them to take over our moral responsibilities for the forever hand-out African countries. The world does not seem a sane and happy place now. I have already said to the Hobbits that their future will probably be elsewhere, Australia maybe as unfortunately Europe is not the place it once was and that is truly disappointing.

Ooh, change of direction there but not really. It is all of the same. There doesn't appear to be any opportunity now for progression that is not linked in with huge profit margins or financial crisis. Is this the tipping point when people realise that despite the cost the space shuttle stood for more than a few astronauts pootling about in space. That not everything should be boiled down to hard cash.

Day 10: Favourite foreign film

2011-06-17T15:03:00.000+01:00

Three Colours Blue

I can remember the first time I saw this film. Part of a trilogy following the colours of the French flag. (Red was also very good, White...hmm not so much.)

This was the first time I watched a foreign film and felt so moved that once it had finished I wanted to watch it again. It opened up a whole world of cinema I'd previously ignored and now I'm more than happy to subtitle away.

Blue is the story of loss, of a woman who has gone through the worst tragedy possible and then follows the path her life takes...

June

2011-06-17T14:59:00.000+01:00

There is something about the weather where grey skies equate to grey lives being led. Each moment of sunshine results in my rushing out to spend as long as possible in the light.

One day I will have good news and a life of contentment.

It is that thought that keeps me going.

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 9

2011-06-01T21:28:00.000+01:00

Day 9: Favourite musical
An American In Paris

It's very clear...

Current mood is still annoyed at the fact that I can't get a decent internet connection.

A Little Bit Blue

2011-05-27T13:00:00.000+01:00

I had come back to this with wonderful intentions that this time I would be an attentive blogger. I may be writing this as a vanity project, because the readership is me, the dog and occasionally old cat who stares over my shoulder with a knowing look - there, there dear, no one is listening.

Over the last couple of weeks it hasn't just been the skies outside covered in clouds. I can feel it pressing down on me. It has mostly been work related, disappointment in the behaviour of others, a general feeling of helplessness and/or apathy. After going down a line where I thought I was doing well and had at least some form of disciplined control over one part of my life I find it to be a mirage.

At home I find things just going wrong continually. The boys, as always, are stoic and a credit to their own selves while their mother goes through this. My mother, well, if I had a choice I would let her go to a home. The whole arrangement has been disastrous.

She has gone from someone who was a functioning, if older, human being to this thing who resembles my own Gran. That is not a good thing. I know many would say, ah but this is dementia etc. etc. Yes, that could be an excuse if I hadn't seen this before and if I hadn't known what she was like when I was growing up. She has returned to that cold, distant person who made it clear, and does so now, that she wishes I had never existed.

So excuse the blue. I think I am more than entitled as another feature adding to the colour is the fact that no one else cares so a little self pity can be allowed.

An only child learns to enjoy their own company but sometimes...sometimes I wish I had a selling point that would make me worth someone else's time.

I often find myself contemplating orbs when sad.

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 8

2011-05-25T23:09:00.001+01:00

Day 8: Favorite thriller

This is another older film, but the story behind when I first saw it is the reason why this is my favourite thriller.

Late night, German B&B on the outskirts of Hahn where we were due to fly home the next day (back in the days when Ryanair weren't so pernickity about their whole buying a ticket then adding everything else on gig.) The then other half (now someone else's problem entirely) fast asleep and me flicking through the channels. I don't know what it is but there is something comforting about listening to programmes in languages you barely understand beyond the niceties of tourism.

I then come across this film, just starting, and my first though is "there's that woman from Some Mother's Do 'Ave 'Em!" So there I pause. It is a British film, set in France and on this occasion dubbed into Italian for the Rai station (whatever that is called now I have no idea, rather than have an interesting selection of channels from our European cousins our satellite is filled to the brim with Indian and Pakistani channels, some of which I urge you not to look too closely at or you may be disturbed in your little world over the content.)

Anyway, I watched the whole film, my rusty to the point of decade Italian allowing me to follow the plot - I was gripped. Soon as I got home I looked for the dvd but to no avail. It was only released a few years back and on repeat viewing I was still sat there, bug eyed, knowing the ending, knowing the surprises but it was, for the lack of tah-dah soundtrack a true and honest thriller.

This is about two young English girls on a holiday in France, back in the day when such things were exciting and people were less jaded and things were ever so much dangerous! Things happen, I'm not about to go in to detail in case anyone actually does read this and decides to watch the film - it is full of subtleties and all the scarier for it. Actually, it is similar in feel to my choice for favourite horror - go figure!

(They remade it in the US last year, as they seem to want to do now and again. I haven't watched it. I also haven't gone on a bike tour of France but that has more to do with Europe not being as much fun as it used to be.)

And Soon the Darkness

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 7

2011-05-19T12:00:00.000+01:00

Yes I know I've lapsed for a few days. In an attempt to return to some form of regular, disciplined writing (and yes I will count this towards it so there!) real life can sometimes get in the way.

Yesterday I attended an interview for a new position in the wage paying work I do. This interview turned in to something of an endurance test, at one point I was thinking that even prisoners get a glass of water and a toilet break. By the time I was released I felt like

and headed for the nearest golden arches for the kind of rush only fast food can give. I tucked in heartily without a moment of guilt.

(Actually I feel less and less guilty about these things, there are more important issues to stress over and the occasional slip into unhealthy eating is a minor challenge. Let's face it, the way things are going who would want to live forever!)

Anywhydon'tyoushutupandgetonwithit - on with the show!

Day 7: Favourite animated feature

Thankfully my term of watching films at the cinema PG and under has come in an era of decent kiddie fare. This is one I don't mind being watched on continual loop. Unlike
Cars...there is a sequel to Cars...I have to think of an excuse quickly not to go!

I love the style of The Incredibles, I love the characters and I love the story. It is perfect and I am so glad they have never bowed to making a sequel...yet. It just wouldn't feel right. This is a stand alone film, it doesn't need any fluff or nonsense. The boys spent a good few months with this on their rainy day dvd list. I would stop and watch with them.

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 6

2011-05-14T15:18:00.000+01:00

Day 6: Favourite horror

Here we come to a point.

I do not find films that are traditionally classed as "horror" to be anywhere near horrifying. Surely that is the whole reason for the genre, to scare, to frighten, to unsettle. But what is known as horror (and I do admit to talking about mostly American horror) is more the slice and dice and murderously adept yet nimble individual who fell in the dressing up box.

This film, The Vanishing/Spoorloos/The Golden Egg depending on what country you hail from, was turned in to a thriller by a totally unnecessary American remake. They totally missed the whole dynamic of the film. Or in my opinion anyway.

I first saw this late one night and completely by chance. Flicking through the few channels we had in the early nineties I saw this, stopped, and stayed up until the wee small hours completely hooked.

The American remake changes the ending. Without spoiling this for anyone who may read this at any point (and I doubt anyone is) the ending is what makes the film, what establishes it firmly in the genre of horror.

No sudden boo got-ya, no overzealous murders shown in graphic technicolour. Instead this works in the mind. If someone you loved vanished one day, just completely vanished, how far would you go to try and find out what happened? And say someone, who to family and colleagues is someone worthy of respect, held the answers. I find the whole mental anguish to be so unsettling that this to me is what is horror. Real life, because this kind of thing occurs to people every day, the kind of things that can suddenly turn you from normal every day to a world you cannot escape, ever.

I have only seen this once more, I can remember it all clearly though. I can remember the end clearly and that is the scariest thing of all.

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 5

2011-05-10T13:05:00.000+01:00

Day 5: Favourite action

Don't know why I like this, not my usual fare but it is damn good rollicking fun!
Plus Matt Damon, as Sarah Silverman once noted...

The Possibilities Are Endless

2011-05-10T13:00:00.000+01:00

Last week I voted with heavy heart.

Heavy because I was under the impression that most people would do the whole "I vote this party because I've always voted them/my father voted for them/I'm deluded into believing they stand for the 'working class'" gig.

But no.

Not only was Black Bitch* Alec Salmond returned as First Minister but this time with a majority that shows perhaps people have actually thought about their vote.

And now the opposition leaders topple, showing a complete lack of backbone and belief in their own party. The only one I'm sorry to see go is Tory Annabel Goldie. She was the only one to offer debate with Salmond beyond the petty, childish, playground insults of Labour and the Lib Dems.

I feel a new found respect for my countrymen/women. Independence may still happen in my lifetime and that is a good thing!

*No I'm not being incredibly racist - here is the story...

Linlithgow's coat of arms features a black bitch dog against an oak tree, and townsfolk are known as "black bitches". In his account of a 1677 tour of Scotland, a Thomas Kirk described the arms of the town as "a black bitch tied to a tree, in a floating island. We enquired for a story about it, but could meet with none: their schoolmaster told us it proceeded from the name of the place. Linlithgow, in Erst, is thus explained: Lin signifies Lough; Lith, black; and Gow, a hound."

A more recently recorded legend holds that this was a black greyhound whose master was sentenced to starve to death on an island in Linlithgow loch. She used to swim from the town every day with food for him, and managed to save his life. The townspeople took the symbol of the dog's loyalty and bravery as their own. The local pub named "The Black Bitch" is reputed to be one of Scotland's oldest pubs.

FYI I was told when I moved here that you can only be a Black Bitch if you are born in the town. Not at the nearby hospital but in the town. Must be the only place on Earth where being called such a thing is a badge of honour!

30 Days Movie Challenge Day 4

2011-05-06T17:43:00.000+01:00

Day 4: Favourite drama

Wonderfully told tale, set in Scotland and starring a then unknown Gerard Butler. Original enough that you will not know where the story will go next but will leave you wanting more.

‎30 Day Movie Challenge

2011-05-05T20:39:00.000+01:00

Day 3: Favourite comedy

Anchorman...

'nuff said.

Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee...

30 Days Movie Challenge

2011-05-04T12:46:00.000+01:00

Day 2: Least favourite film

So many to choose from but this pretty much sums up a genre which is the cinematic equivalent
of drinking Fruit Shoots and eating Greggs sausage rolls constantly.

You Remember The World Hide and Seek Champion

2011-05-03T20:42:00.000+01:00

Well, he will be one or the other.

Yeah, I know, this is old news.

Certainly trumped the Royal Wedding. So well done on that front America.

30 Days Again

2011-05-03T18:31:00.000+01:00

For want of something to do or perhaps a slightly simple need for lists.

Either way this is fun...

Let 30 Day Movie Challenge commence...

Day 1: Favourite film

Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain

I love everything about this film, could watch it endlessly and be left feeling a warm happy glow like the blind man Amelie describes the world to. This is instant cheer in the shape of an ultimately uplifting film with a wonderful dose of eccentricity Parisian style.

I have never been to Paris and after watching this I don't think I could. It is not so much that I would be looking for the man in red shoes at every photo booth or that I would be looking for Nino (as adorable as he is.) Reality is always a disappointment and I would prefer my Paris Amelie style.

Amelie I can understand, I can relate to and I can envy that she maintains her naivety long after those of us who were lonely, only children on the outskirts of society have been turned. We should all be left to become the people we are meant to be.

The fool looks at a finger that points at the sky.

For the record. I had two goldfish and they never felt suicidal, Dano the budgie however...

That Big Round Thing In The Sky

2011-05-01T01:44:00.000+01:00

Oh sphere of plasma and magnetic fields we are not usually on speaking terms. But how nice of you to visit for so long. It puts smiles on the faces of people who are getting worn down by life. The flowers are nodding approval. Cats are sleeping in languid bliss.
We could get used to this think all.
Perhaps we could make this a regular event, perhaps you could see your way to coming back in the summer too?

Kind regards,
Scotland

Isn't it a lovely day

2011-05-01T01:35:00.000+01:00

Let's get this straight from the start. I'm not a Royalist. I do think there are quite a few of them who would do best to get out and get themselves a proper job to earn their money.

But Friday's wedding was lovely. I covet Kate's luxurious hair (how does she get it so shiny?) I covet that dress. I covet her happiness, her calm, her composure, her love that is returned. I do not covet the life she will be leading with the paparazzi who, on seeing their behaviour as the lens is turned on them, are not in anyway human or humane. I remember seeing her once being hounded to her car with one saying "you'll never marry him" just to get a photo of her looking upset (this was a few years ago.)

One of life's hardest lessons is just how cruel and callous people can be.

Speaking of which and without a touch of irony it was nice to see that the ugly stepsisters turned up without their mother.

Either mummy dearest did this as an act of revenge over not getting an invite or they need to put their (not-at-all-earned) money towards getting a personal shopper and stylist asap. Someone, somewhere sold this to them and didn't snigger once as they trotted out the door.

Back on to the important couple. They at least have had enough years together to know what love is and I hope they can modernise the whole crowd. But as an ex-commoner, if their first child is a son, will he be the Half-Blood Prince?

Luck O' The Irish To Ye

2011-03-17T23:15:00.000Z

And if you know how to obtain some then won't you tell me please?

For I fear I have very little luck despite my recent attempts to surround myself with positive thinking. It would seem that I am destined to be forever down at heel and, well, a reoccurring theme here - forever alone.

I think I have ticked the person who dishes out the Andrex puppies off. Although there is a shortage of puppy walkers at the moment for some reason I am being cold-shouldered. To be honest I felt she never really liked me anyway, in fact I think most of them tolerated me a little else. I've always thought that, no matter what situation I am like.

My ex-sister-in-law has given the bidey-in the position of "sister" even though she is well aware of the way this "sister" got her man. I cannot understand anyone who can be friends with a snake in the grass, someone who thinks only of their own gain and not of those they could hurt.

My boys still don't know if they have a new brother or sister yet as he didn't reply to my text asking and I'm too humiliated to go any further.

There doesn't seem to be much justice in the world. For those who do wrong. I try to do as much good as I can but feel I am forever on the outside and cannot figure out what steps will get me included in the warmth.

The Rule of "What If" in Parenting...

2011-02-24T11:24:00.000Z

I have noted of late that there seems to be a certain rule that parents are expected to follow now. It is the rule of "what if..."

Instead of common sense and the ability to understand your own child's limitations we are expected, and most comply, with this rule.

It dictates that no matter how you may see a situation you must be over-cautious and say "what if?"

When I was 12 I began babysitting for neighbourhood families. But...what if something had happened while I was alone? What if something had happened to the children? What if there had been a fire? A bear attack in deepest, darkest Scotland? An airplane crashing on the house? Actually six years on that did happen - who would have thought it? Why the "what if" people.

I earned my pocket-money and really enjoyed the experience and responsibility. But now, you can be severely punished for leaving a child under 16 in charge of a tot. Makes one wonder if the 13 year olds having babies then are not allowed to care for their own children? Out comes the cotton wool because in the land of "what if" children must be molly-coddled until the age where they are old enough to marry and fight for the country. We will throw them out into this world having never experienced time alone in the family house, life as a latch-key kid and the little thrill having your own key and entering an empty house gives a teenager.

Perhaps I am mistaken, I doubt it though. This can only lead to adults unable to care for themselves, unaware of their own aptitude for daily tasks as they hadn't learned from mistakes made earlier.

I was left alone a few times when I was young. The first time was around the age my Hobbits are at now - 9. Was it an act of cruelty by my parents? (My father was walking up to the hospital where my mother worked and I was busy drawing as usual and didn't want to go. I was left in the house, in a quiet village while he walked the mile or so - must have been about 30-40 minutes I was alone. I didn't think anything of it.)

I had friends and family members who would be left alone in the house while their parents went out of a Friday evening to the local worker's clubs. Was that cruelty, neglect?

It is something I believe strongly about as I dislike being told how to raise my own children. They aren't left alone but there will come a time where that is necessary and I do think they are more than aware of the dangerous that may or may not happen. They go out to play in the area, should I shackle them to the back step so they go no further? I don't hover over them at every opportunity yet I am perfectly attuned to where they are and who they are with and most of all I trust them. Children need a certain amount of freedom in order to grow.

If we lived our lives constantly on "what if" the stress would kill us. We wouldn't leave our beds in the morning, in fact we wouldn't go into our beds just in case, you know, all the things that can happen to you when you are asleep.

It can be a wicked world we raise our children in but even Red Riding Hood's mother allowed her to traverse the forest full of wolves...oh wait, maybe that isn't such a good example. Or maybe it is.

The greatest achievements are the ones you have fought for

2011-02-23T19:35:00.000Z

I was going to add photographic proof until I realised my name was printed in very big letters and I do not have photo-shop on this computer to erase that evidence. Plus if I did who is to say that the certificate was mine?

Anywouldyougetothepointway, today I had a boost to lift my illness-weary spirits, worn down indeed by a week of sniffing and coughing in the most miserable fashion.

My certificate arrived. And on this certificate it states that on the 31st December 2010 I was conferred "The Degree of - Bachelor of Arts (Honours) in Humanities with Creative Writing and History"

and here is the important, boast about part...

"Upper Second-class Honours"

See that. DO YOU SEE THAT? I have finally done something of which I can be utterly proud of. Of course I am proud of my boys but their achievements are gained through their own efforts with only help from me. This is mine, all mine, I did it, all those years, all that crap I had to deal with...and if I can be churlish for a moment, this is also a big up-yours to everyone who wished me bad luck.

My whole life has been about pleasing other people, about not wishing to cause offence or hurt others. I never noticed that no one was concerned with my well-being until some opportunities had passed me by, but that will make me a better mother as I understand the importance of my position in ensuring my boys are encouraged to believe it is possible. This has proved to me, it is possible.

(And if I win the money from work then I'll venture further into the arts - perhaps start painting or I could tell them I'd use it to write the book I want to...?)

As I won't show the degree certificate I'll just post a photograph depicting how I feel inside...(this is our boy, all grown up, happy dog indeed!)

Cabbage Roses

2011-02-12T00:26:00.000Z

My Aunt owned a little flat in a one street town on a medium sized Scottish island. This was a home handed down by her husband's mother and as a result family enjoyed the use of such an easy to reach weekend holiday place.

The windows looked out onto the sea at one side and a dark forest on the other and the close smelled of shellfish and sand. The lady who lived upstairs was

We visited rarely, although other family members took full advantage my own preferred the island next door and honestly I did too. Bike rides and sandy beaches.

I remember, as a young child, no more than five or six, tracing the patterns of the blue cabbage roses on the wallpaper. Fingertips sliding over the shiny surface in the morning light.

Of Late It Has Been Pouring Down

2011-02-12T00:15:00.000Z

If life is meant to test a person then I have truly been tested above and beyond what most would be able to cope with.

That sounds perhaps egotistic. To think I could deal with things that would fell others. I am not egotistic, in fact I am more probably the polar opposite. Instead I look back on events of the past three and a half years for evidence. I look back and wonder how long this path goes on for and at what point this will ease enough for me to be able to feel safe and secure.

I look at all the mistakes I made, all the problems people have given me on the understanding that I do this alone. The biggest mistake has been letting mother stay with us. She reverted so quickly back to the bitter, childish woman that plagued my childhood that it caught me completely by surprise.

Yet here we are, this life I have created we have to live with. This is a challenge my sons should not have to live with however I have no choice. Here is the point, I have no choice. If I could then I would ship her off to the old people's home she continually insinuates would be better than life with me. Having a maid obviously isn't enough.

Ever since Dad died I have single-handed all of the arrangement. The funeral, the selling of one house, the buying of another, all of life's little incidents that happen in between and on top of that I've raised my sons and worked my little job. Meanwhile not only did I lose a father but I really lost her at that point as well.

Now my position would easily be construed as cruel. Not knowing the history, not knowing her, they would look on this as the evil daughter not caring for her mother. In a way they would be true. I no longer care. She has done enough in the past, nearly two years, to ensure that if I had never to see her again I would not cry with the loss. There is only so much a person can take and seeing how she could suddenly change from the façade she put up to all the old neighbours and friends where we used to live. See now she doesn't know people so there is no need to pretend. She can go back to how she really was.

Once she explained that her ice-cold method of mothering was down to suffering an extra long menopause. This menopause must have returned.

The truth I can see now, after all of the crap I've walked through, doesn't hurt. I have hardened somewhat. I am not the emotionally charged firebrand. The truth is that I was an inconvenience. Had I not existed her life would have been so much better but I got in the way. I was a daddy's girl and she managed to put a wedge in that. I can see what my dad went through and wonder how long he would have lived had he not had her in his life.

My Granny was right. She did not deserve such a gentle soul as a husband. She has too much of her family in her as it is almost a carbon copy of Gran, this person she is now. I listened to years of moaning about how she had to do this for Gran and had to do that and what a nightmare she was. I listened and now I'm seeing that for all that talk she is content to be just like her.

I wish for an easier life, in this little house of ours, I want to have peace.

Perturbed

2011-01-06T22:34:00.000Z

Sometimes Facebook can throw a whole pint of ice cold water over any semblance of confidence one has in friends and the constant human wish to be liked.

And, without going into any further detail so this post may remain as infuriatingly obtuse as I am, all I will say is that although my creative streak has lain dormant for a few weeks now I would have hoped that my ability to make pretty things would have at least intrigued a few to sign up!

Bah.

In Truth

2011-01-05T23:57:00.000Z

I am Søren Lørenson and nobody sees me at all.

The Crime Of Neglect

2011-01-05T23:52:00.000Z

Ah bloggie, how I have neglected you. Of all the promises and best of intentions I fail to maintain the momentum.

However I have new vigour. No, that is a horrid word that brings connotations of old men for some reason.

I have neglected everything. In fact for the past few weeks, along with the hustle and bustle of the "festive" season everything has had an air of fug over it. I no longer create, I vegetate. Yes, that is an apt description. I really should put more effort into things but instead I feel so tired I have barely the energy to keep up - and even in that I'm not successful.

I worry sometimes that the illness will come back, just as we are getting on our way. But the tiredness can be explain by lack of sleep and the truth that I simply have too much to do and no one to share the burden with.

Too late I realised that some people do not change and that living with someone who seemed to have changed to the point of being likeable throws light on to that character. And shadows can't hide in the light. That is what I am most disappointed with and it weighs heavily. Especially when you cannot openly talk about it. This is not a healthy way to live.

So, choices - bitch about it or do something about it.

It's that time of year again...

2010-12-21T01:08:00.002Z

...and sh*t - I'm 39...

Currently Agreeing With

2010-09-23T23:02:00.000+01:00

Good girl version -

Naughty girl version -

Tip me a wink in the morning Mr. Sunshine won't you?

2010-09-23T22:43:00.000+01:00

There is a definite autumnal snap in the air and in twenty-one days we'll be jetting off for a much (desperately) needed holiday. So at this moment everything else seems to reek a little of poo; I've just had yet another blow from the ex that lets me know there are many people out there who believe I am a monster bitch of an ex-wife thanks to the lies he feeds them and at the moment I have to take it as I can't retaliate until the final piece of the jigsaw goes in and then he'll get his; house buying has hit more trouble and if it ever happens I'll die of shock; job at the moment isn't so much meh as "do I have to go?" and I'm getting more than a little pissed off at how my sons seem to miss out on every opportunity at school in favour of certain children who are always top pick. Everything is on a low and there doesn't appear to be any easy answers ready for me to snatch up. In fact there are never any easy answers so we'll mark that one down as a myth.

The hurdles I have to jump get higher.

Still, I carry on. I have to. I could really just lie down and sleep for eternity but I am made of sterner stuff, like the bloody Titanic I am and there are no icebergs around here I thank you.

I wouldn't say I'm keeping upbeat. No reasonably sane person could if they had to deal with the amount of utter snash that I have to. But I am keeping up. Just. When it gets like this I downsize. I don't look to the future especially when it looks as bleak as it currently does. Instead I take what pleasure I can from simplicity. That little cross-stitch I'm working on, the little drawing I'm doing, walking our boy (dog not either of the human ones), watching the Hobbits build their Lego or train models, reading together, watching films even if I have to sit through Star Trek...again..., that article in a magazine that resonates with me, that song I hear that brings a wry smile as I acknowledge the words that chime with me.

It is what you do to survive. At some point things will pick up, if not for me then I'll make it through to when the Hobbits are up and running and I'll ensure they don't end up with this kind of existence. That will be my reason to go on.

And That Is The End Of That

2010-08-25T18:21:00.000+01:00

Last year I began what newspeak would describe as a journey.

This wasn't a journey related (completely) to what happened three Summers ago. This wasn't a journey related (completely) to my father dying last Spring.

I began the process, and it is a process, of trying to get what is called an open market shared equity doo-dah from the government. The process was long and hard and frustrating. I watched as wonderful houses came and went while the organisation dithered and dallied.

Then, this year, success. Not only success but a sign - two signs in fact - and all the pieces began to fall in to place. The perfect house, the perfect price, everybody in agreement and all is merry and bright.

Until last week. Last week when the bank (rhymes with...) decided that due to the detritus left on my credit report by my ex then the "criteria" had changed and they closed the door. All this time, I have done my very best to repair the damage left when he decided to spend without paying back and when I was too ill to notice. I have saved, I have paid all my bills, I have been a good girl. But it is not enough. It is never enough.

And now it ends.

That is that, there is nowhere to turn. No one listens. No one looks at the evidence there in my own bank accounts. No one cares.

If there was a magic wand to wave I could skip the whole shared equity thing and suddenly there would be the £45,000 I need (and which ironically I can pay back but who cares right?) Without a mortgage there is no shared equity, without either of those there is no house.

Once again I have let everyone down. Those few years when I didn't pay attention, when I didn't look to see why he was so eager to take the bill paying duty from me - I will pay for them emotionally forever it would seem. But what pains me the most, like a dagger through the ribs, is the disappointment I am to my boys. Oh they don't say it, they say never mind mummy we'll be right. But I've let them down, I have failed completely in one of the "criteria" of being a parent - a stable, secure, safe environment, basically a home of their own.

I wonder just how long this goes on. While he swans about in BMWs, living in converted churches, not paying a single penny in maintenance. The injustice of it all is choking.

So here I am. Lost again. Loser once more. I keep telling myself that all is fine, we are still healthy, we still have this place but it doesn't work. I can feel it twist and turn inside my stomach ready to burst free and let it be known that the truth is...no matter what I do there is no hope. Failure.

August is the "Month of Hope"

2010-08-20T22:44:00.000+01:00

No it's not.

It's like that...and that's the way it is

2010-08-05T01:32:00.000+01:00

I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul
I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest
There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

2010-07-17T00:21:00.002+01:00

times this by four evenings

Some of it anyway.

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

2010-07-12T23:56:00.000+01:00

Where to start, where to start. Beginning is always best.

Woke up, on time, just, hate that feeling in the morning - I am a night owl. Boys up already and watching Spongebob (gah!) so breakfast made, bath run and boys persuaded to wash, dress and then have their breakfast. Just boring cereal this morning.

Off to Zumba class. First of all, wash on, the whirly gig is bent in an alarming fashion so I don't know how long it will last and as I want out of here then I'll be damned if I replace the damn thing. Zip about the hoover and then off I go. Zumba class is the best part of the day. Despite my hum-dinging quality after class I go shopping afterwards for necessities.

Back home, shopping put away, boys are in garden building skateboard ramps, warning given about broken limbs etc. Clean up house, washing done so begin to put on whirly gig - there we go, whirly gig snaps half way through. Fan-bloody-tastic. Take washing off and bring down clothes horse, one way or another these clothes will dry!

That done, time for much needed bath, put yesterdays wash away, nice bath, relax for five whole minutes. Up again, clean bathroom while I'm at it. Downstairs and time for lunch. Make lunch times four. Play Swing-ball with eldest Hobbit. Do a little bit of a cross-stitch design I'm working on. Fill in tax credit forms. Uh-oh look at the time.

Ready for work, ask mother to give boys pasta for dinner and off I go. Work is...meh. Busy but that is not the issue, see that once again all my effort seems to be for nothing as I'm not graded that well. Ah fuck it all to hell. Plow through the night, call after call, who cares about stats anyway (I do).

Time for home. Empty bins. Despite the time boys are still up and Mother is in bed. Hayfever stuff given and warning about bedtimes added on top. Bin outside. Online, first call as always the property search sites. Nothing there as usual. Consider my next step. Wish I could talk to someone about this and get more than just an agreement and "whatever you think is best" attitude. On here now. End of day.

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

2010-07-10T00:23:00.000+01:00

Despite his best efforts this summer holiday is most definitely not being ruined by the man child halfwit.

Having said that today, what tickles my fancy, is an IT Crowd marathon.

"If you type Google, into Google, then you can break the internet."

Peter File.

Classic.

Day 23 — A YouTube video

2010-07-07T23:37:00.000+01:00

I know people like this. Why do I even bother - because I want my boys to have a decent education. Will remind them to kick me if I ever become so pretentious though.

Day 22 — A website

2010-07-07T00:11:00.000+01:00

There are a few website I enjoy trawling through while I'm meant to be doing other things. I am sad enough to have organised little folders for the different types of bookmarked favourites I have. There are the functional sites, such as bank, house search sites (God help me but I am fed up of looking at them!) and reference points. There are those for fun, some to browse and perhaps shop (either fantasy shop or real shop - go Amazon!) And there are those sites to which I look for inspiration.

At the moment I am watching and enjoying reruns of Project Runway season 6. For that - why didn't we get season 5 and where is season 7? Annoyed. So as many of the sites I use are the equivalent of flicking through a magazine (really good magazines where the subject matter is always involving and a delight for the eye) then I choose the website of one of the finalist. (To be honest she should have won, she has a gift of which I am entirely envious, oh to be able to whip up a beautiful gown in a day - what am I saying, would I wear it around the house? Get a grip.)

Carol Hannah

Day 21 — A recipe

2010-07-05T00:21:00.000+01:00

I cannot vouch for this recipe as I only found out such things existed tonight. While I can take or leave donuts, I love nutella.

Italian Donuts

Makes 3 dozen donuts.

2 teaspoons dry active yeast
1/2 cup warm water (about 100 degrees F)
1/4 cup granulated sugar
5 cups pastry flour
4 tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature
3/4 cup warm milk
Pinch of salt
2-3 cups Nutella
Sugar for dusting

Place the yeast and water in a small bowl and whisk together let stand until creamy.

Place the sugar and flour in a bowl of a mixer and add the butter and mix just to incorporate the butter. Add the dissolved yeast warm milk and salt and mix just until the dough comes together. The dough will be very soft.

Grease a bowl well with butter and place the dough in the bowl and let rise about 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until doubled in volume.

Spread the dough on a lightly floured board to 1/2 inch thickness. Cut the puffs into rounds and let rise on a lightly flour board loosely covered for about 1 hour.

Heat the oil until it reaches 350 degrees F. Fry the puffs and drain on paper towels, then quickly sprinkle with sugar. Cook the remaining puffs. When cool enough to handle, fill with Nutella using a pastry bag fitted with a small straight tip. Serve.

Something else that is delicious is this:

Iker Casillas
Espana por favor!

Note to self - you obviously didn't look close enough during all that time you spent in Spain. Silly girl.

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

2010-06-29T00:06:00.000+01:00

Ah, this is the longest 30 days in the history of these meme things, of that I am quite sure. Still with the dogged determination that has hindered more than helped me over the years I continue regardless.

Hobbies, if only I had time for all the hobbies I'd like to do. This is where my arty crafty side comes out. Nothing calms the spirit more than ploughing through a design or turning a doodle into something that matters only to myself. I care not that people think cross-stitch and the type is twee or that some might look at what I do and sneer.

Okay, I'm not in a happy place today. That is clear from the focussing on the negative side of hobbies compared to just rabbiting on about why I enjoy things. Some days are just crappier than others.

Day 19 — A talent of yours

2010-06-21T13:09:00.000+01:00

I really, really, *really* wish I could say at this point that I can play the piano and it doesn't sound as though the cats were running across it. There is a talent I wish I had but for the patience of practising. When you are a child there is always much more interesting things to do than sit doing plinky plonky scales on the piano. Having said that then I am sorry that the piano my grandfather gave to my mother was sold.

On to the subject at hand though. What talent do I possess?

I'm quite good at arty things, I'm slowly getting back into the habit of sketching and painting. There is always the crafty side of sewing things, my cross-stitch. I also write, but not very well, although the Open University course I did showed that I wasn't all that bad at poetry - who'd a thunk it!

What I'm really trying to get here is that I have a distinct lack of talent. I can do things, I can do things well but nothing stands out. Like everything else I am running on mediocre here. It's just the way I was brought up: don't shine, don't show-off, don't think you are better than anything. I love that the Hobbits aren't like that though and they have talent by the bucket-load!

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

2010-06-20T22:29:00.001+01:00

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

2010-06-17T22:01:00.000+01:00

One of the Hobbits little friends asked me the other day if I was an artist. I have no idea where he got such an idea from as I don't do anything big that neighbours might notice, I don't look arty - or at least I don't think I do. But he was quite certain, maybe the Hobbits said it, who knows. Children tend to say the most inspirational things at times.

So I have pieces I like, pieces I admire, I go through stages of liking one style over another and then not. I dislike intensely any snobbery over artists, all this guff about Jack Vettriano for example. Heaven forbid an artist actually sells his paintings en masse. Although not my favourites there is a sense of dark foreboding in his work and each painting, you could write a story about the characters within very easily. One of my art teachers in school was very dismissive of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood. A particular favourite of mine at the time as it met my Gothic tendencies. You see apparently I knew nothing as the background to the Mona Lisa is squinty for a reason plebs such as myself couldn't possibly comprehend.

Therefore I totally dismiss what art choices say about a person in a way. They may give an idea of personality but in no way should that cloud judgement of the person as a whole. Some people like the chocolate box paintings, some people adore abstracts, if there was no variety in tastes what a bland little world this would be.

Wait, what was this post about...oh yes, my choice for this...

I could be entirely predictable and choose something by Mary Cassett but I feel more like this today...

Childish, magical yes, but tomorrow I may lean towards something else. That is how it goes.

(Midsummer Eve by Edward Robert Hughes)

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

2010-06-16T23:28:00.001+01:00

This song was written about Agnetha's regret at missing so much of her daughter's life and how quickly a child grows.

Now I am a mother I totally understand it. So although it doesn't make me cry it comes very close! It just passes by, I look at the Hobbits and they are no longer those squidgy little babies, their limbs are all gangly, their faces changing and for a moment I'll wish I could go back. There is so much I would do differently and to start with I would do it alone, on my own terms. I would take more baby photos. So many things.

But now it is too late, and here we are. I am glad of how I've raised my boys and even at their hissy fitting worse they are not that bad at all. In fact I'm rather proud of how smart they are, that they enjoy things, have their own interests. Who would have thought I'd have children who loved kayaking. Kayaking I tell you!

(I always wanted to be Agnetha when I was little but because I had brown hair I got to play Frida. Which isn't bad, but it isn't Agnetha!)

Day 15 — A fanfic

2010-06-11T19:54:00.000+01:00

Something I don't normally read although I like the concept in parts. Taking your favourite characters and using them in ways that perhaps the author didn't think of (sometimes for good reason as they can skim close to pornographic at times.)

I had read a Doctor Who one once and while a pleasant to read it wasn't enough to make me a fan of fanfic.

However I did read one recently that was almost better than the original source material from whence it came. Called Wide Awake it takes the characters from Twilight (yes, I know but it made Meyers a multi-millionaire for some unfathomable, addictive reason and yes, I did read all of them - in one week no less) and twists them for grown ups.

Don't think Meyers would approve. Lots of her followers do though.

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

2010-06-09T13:56:00.000+01:00

At first I was going to mention a book I am wanting to read at the moment but then I thought to a book I read and reread time and time again. Each time I never fail to find the humour in the description of the book's theme - Australia.

In Down Under, Bill Bryson touches on some reasons that have puzzled me about the antipodes - namely the amount of things, both animal and plants that, if not actually able to kill you, can certainly maim you for life. It is a reason I turned down a job there many years ago and when sometimes I question just how smart (or not) a move that was then I can read this and know I'm not alone in being a bit of a silly fearty about little crawly, creepy poisonous killing beasties.

See, see I wasn't completely mad to say no. I mean, it wasn't like the job was in a city (fearsome spiders live there too) but in the country where one wrong step can be very, very painful if not life ending.

Day 13 — A fictional book

2010-06-07T16:06:00.000+01:00

My god but the thought just crossed my mind -what if I had to write about every book I own. It would take all week. I hoard my books, in an ideal world I'd have an unlimited account with Amazon but it was ever thus - my favourite books are ones I've owned for decades but there is always room for more. Come on in, plenty of space on the shelves, here I'll even dust it for you.

I've mentioned a favourite book previously so do I go obscure or mainstream? Do I mention the fact that I have read and *deep breath* actually own all of the Twilight books? And the other one she wrote? Do I mention the fact that if it wasn't for the stupidness that holds me back I'd venture to try and get some of my own scribblings published and on my shelves.

I'm digressing like crazy here.

A made up book as the Hobbits call it. Currently I'm reading Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Huffinpuff - sorry I meant this one:

Unlike The Time Traveller's Wife which was enjoyable in some parts and just sheer frustrating in others this story is unfolding nicely although as the mother of twins it does get tiresome reading about freaky ones. If anyone is the parent of twins they will know that reality would have her writing about fights and arguments and the impossibility of sharing.

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

2010-06-04T21:46:00.000+01:00

For this I have thought about the frivolity of the phrase and decided that maybe I should go a little more indepth than just a frivolous comment.

So, what has been "tickling" my fancy of late.

The Carry-On quality of that very phrase is just screaming out for me to say something smutty again but I digress.

I'll just say that I am very sad that "The Pacific" the HBO series shown on Sky Movies Premiere has finished. It made me ashamed, as someone who enjoys studying history, that I knew nothing of the extreme circumstances of that particular theatre of war. And on that subject, why a theatre of war? Where did that phrase come from? It suggests that those who went through such hardships were mere actors playing a role rather than servicemen suffering horrendous situations.

These actors, in the mini-series, served to remind us, the greedy selfish generation, that once there were warriors of such a fine calibre. These men, young men, spent years in what must have seemed to be an utter hellish existence. And that came through. I would say the series was wonderful but that is a very glib statement. It was thought-provoking, challenging, heart-stopping, incredibly sad and utterly involving joourney.

Now, ten-weeks later, it is all over. I think, in some places, the story felt a little rushed. Maybe they could have eked it out to 13 weeks? You know, for sad sacks like me who have no life.

Interesting point. My dad was in the RAF, served some time in Burma where he was shot in the back of the leg by a Japanese sniper. I only found that out when I was 15 because, like most of his generation, he never spoke in great length of what he went through. We have little snippets of that large slice of his life spent serving in World War II, some photos and mementos but now he is gone there will be nothing to colour in the missing spaces.

I'm here because that Japanese sniper was a lousy shot.

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

2010-06-03T22:26:00.000+01:00

No, I have to say I hate the captured image of myself. I do have photos, less than ten, of myself taken over the past 10 years. In most of them I am trying to hide behind Hobbits. What can I say. I wasn't blessed with beauty, or confidence, or an appreciation of who I am. Honesty only goes up to a certain point.

Here is something else instead:

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

2010-06-02T22:52:00.002+01:00

I think a new scanner is in order here... will edit this post when I get one.

Normal Service Will Resume...

2010-06-01T01:12:00.000+01:00

...as soon as I have more than a minute to do so.

Just had one of those days. You know, when everything kind of falls apart and you're left standing there in the middle wondering what the hell just happened. Yeah, one of *those* days.

Actually was going quite well right up until the point where I came home from work. I had forgotten, no, I was in denial over how much some people can be attention seekers. If the world doesn't revolve around them....you get the idea. So it is typical now that, at this time in the morning, when I really should be asleep so I can be ready and fresh for the next day, that I am here - trying to catch up.

I've let myself down most of all. I had taken a break over the weekend, no computer at all, but I had done some regular old fashioned writing - pen and paper. So the idea worked. Pity life and all that crap keeps getting in the way.

Day 09 — A photo you took

2010-05-28T22:56:00.000+01:00

At one point I thought of taking on photography as a hobby, but in reality it has remained just a way of capturing the moment. And in truth, there is nothing wrong with that. Enjoying something doesn't necessarily mean having to break it down into each little component and then building it all up again. Instead, I prefer to just point and click and hope it turns out okay...or even more than okay would be better.

I like where my crafting is going. Cross-stitching is so easy, taking it to the next step of embroidery is turning out some great results. These are the kind of things I wish I had tried earlier. I want to do more, my whole love of art is coming back after so long of doing nothing with it and it is so heart-warmingly wonderful. Sketching is an old friend I am happy to welcome back. The photography will act as inspiration and I will take it from there and on to other medium.

Wouldn't this photo of Linlithgow Loch look amazing with fabric and stitching?

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

2010-05-27T23:14:00.001+01:00

I don't have a copy to put on here, I don't have any of them left.

Because, of course and considering the nature of the other blog it should be no surprise that the photo that could make me both angry and sad would be one from my wedding day. Gosh, I can barely even type it without feeling a shot in my stomach.

What can I say that I haven't already torn a strip off the internet from saying?

I know I shouldn't say it was the biggest mistake of my life because I have the boys from that train wreck of a marriage but I can't help it.

The deluded fool in the blue dress (light blue because if you "wear blue your love with be true", perhaps making him wear it as well might have been an idea.) Smiles that were nothing more than a farce when all was said and done. If I could go back, a la Doctor Who, then I'd head back, tell that idiot to do what she had originally planned and to take the consequences. I would have still had the boys, some things are tattooed onto your future, mine and their lives have always been set.

Like the guy on the t'internet who is blogging about his 101 uses for his ex-wife's wedding dress I took great pleasure in destroying the evidence of that day. Because it was all based on lies, and I hate that I was too damn stupid to see it. So both angry and sad, and I've had enough of feeling either way.

Signs

2010-05-27T00:23:00.000+01:00

I really thought I had understood the sign, but it turned out to be another false promise. I could build a house out of the amount of those I've had of late.

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

2010-05-26T23:10:00.003+01:00

Remembering times gone by, back when the Hobbits were learning to feed themselves with varying results.

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

2010-05-25T14:50:00.002+01:00

Well I can honestly say that, considering my current circumstances, that there's nothing tickling my fancy these days.

Day 05 — A favourite quote

2010-05-24T23:09:00.002+01:00

Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look,
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene 2

Says it all really doesn't it.

Beware the person, male or female who bears ambition or envy like a weapon, skulking like a wolf at the edge of the forest.

Day 04 — A favourite book

2010-05-23T22:34:00.003+01:00

Another choice from many. It is ever thus for the indecisive.

Before the film came out (and to be honest even after I had seen it) I adored Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow by Peter Høeg. Here was a female protagonist unlike any I had read about before. She was tough, straightforward, socially inadequate and knowledgeable about every type of snow. Presumably as a reader I am one of many who could see something of themselves in a character. I wished I could be like that however the only aspect that rang completely true was the socially awkward part.

I lost myself in reading, the only truth I have ever had was in books. Delving in to the story as the reality of what my life was about vanished for those few chapters. To get such a heroine as Smilla Jasperson was a gift. I haven't read it in some time so perhaps it is time, while the weather is so hot, to once again experience my own feeling for snow.

Wait, was that last line too cheesy?